Everlasting Love and Strength

Rainbows over Little Shuswap Lake in Chase BC. © Marvin Beatty Photography, 2011 

Your love, strength and beauty radiates and resides in your family and friends, and will carry on in your children and your children's children.

I woke up with those words on the morning of the day she had passed away.  My mother-in-law Cathy had passed away recently from a 2 year long battle with cancer.  Over the recent time she had spent in the hospital and hospice I was lucky enough to spend quality time with her and say everything in my heart; how much she meant to me and how much I loved her.  We got to revisit some good memories, I got to hold her hand, help her ease the pain and I got to tell her those beautiful words. It feels strange to not have her here with us any more, but I know she is looking over us now.  I believe it.

On the eve before her passing I experienced some things that will stay with me forever.  It made me have a stronger connection with my spirituality.  Some would say these events were pure coincidence, but I feel that the moments were too personal, too perfect for them to not be signs.  A sign for me to go be with her and loved ones, a sign for my boyfriend and I that someone is looking over us.  

I shared with her the second sign I saw that day because I felt it was for all of us in the family.  I went home from work after not being able to focus at the office for obvious reasons.  My boyfriend Dave had picked me up by the new bus loop near our home.  I mentioned I wanted to grab a coffee having been extremely tired, having stayed at the hospice past midnight the previous day.  Dave and I were not focused and only realized when we got to the gate of our underground parking that we forgot to grab some coffees.  Dave turned the car around and then stopped to point out his window; there up in the sky was a rainbow.  It was the most perfect rainbow I've ever seen.  So bright, so big, so beautiful and perfectly arced.  I instinctively had to jump out of the car to take a picture.  When I went to grab my camera though, it was too late...it had faded away before my eyes.  Then in that moment I knew that rainbow was for us.  A sign that everything would be okay.  We would've never seen that rainbow if we hadn't forgot our coffees...and it would've never lasted long enough for us to see it otherwise.

I miss her terribly, but glad she is no longer suffering and can now rest in peace.  She was an amazing woman.  She was a great wife, mother, grandmother, sister, friend...the list goes on.  I'm so lucky to have had the pleasure of knowing her, having her in my life and being part of her family.  I feel blessed.  She has given me many great gifts in life.  She was like a mother to me and I love her dearly.

I have a lot of good memories of Cathy, some of them being the best memories of my life.  I'm so grateful for everything she has shared with me.  From her famous pumpkin pie, to the best vacation I've ever been on...that trip alone was a life changer.  I also had the chance to visit her hometown with her this past Easter; to see where she grew up and got married.  So much family history.  I will miss her loving face, her kindness, her hugs, her sense of humour...I will miss the fact she was so compassionate, warm-hearted and full of light.

She has helped me grow as a person and will forever be an inspiration to me.  I feel over the years that I've known her, she has passed some of her strength on to me.  When I came into this family I was far more fragile than I am now and after a few years I had been toughened up and toughened up even further.  Together we got through the toughest of times as she lent her strength, love and wisdom to us.  

Although it has been one heck of a rough year, there are a lot of things to be grateful for.  I've learned so much in this year...about myself, about life in general.  I know what I want out of life, I know who I want to spend it with, I know what really matters.  I am surrounded by the best people life has to offer and they have been with me through thick and thin.  These past couple of years wouldn't have been easy without the love and support that I've received by them.  A huge heartfelt thank you to everyone who has been there for me, for this family...the outpour of love has been tremendous and has helped a great deal in this time of our lives.

With time we will heal from this loss because for the mere fact she's not really gone.  A piece of her remains in everyone that she has touched and it will eventually overpower any feelings of sadness hanging in our hearts.  Love you always and forever.

Your love, strength and beauty radiates and resides in your family and friends, and will carry on in your children and your children's children.  

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So Long Bucket List, Hello Mission Statement

Astronaut Anna Fisher, May 1985

So this entry is inspired by a few things; my last blog post, my fast approaching 25th birthday and a year full of people asking me if I'm married and/or have kids.  There's a lot of ground to cover, but I'll just lay down the foundation and hope we're on the same page all the way through! 

When some of my friends discovered I was turning 25, they made sure to tell me I have five years left before my life is over lol.  They were teasing of course, but I started to think of all the times I've heard older people who are married and/or have kids say their life was over when that happened.  There seems to be a very common theme with marriage and having a family.  Apparently it means that one has to hang up the proverbial "party hat."  I don't buy that though, I believe there's always fun to be had :).  I'm a huge optimistic including when thinking about getting older and reaching certain life milestones.  I can't say I look at being married or taking on the role of a parent to be life ending.  It's really the start of something new, and yes it will have it's own set of challenges, but that's just life!   

I'm not married and I don't have kids but it's definitely something that I want in my life eventually.  My boyfriend and I are both on the same page about marriage.  We actually feel like we're married without the rings and legal papers. 

When it comes to being asked if I'm married, there is one thing that "grinds my gears."  When people judge the strength of my relationship due to the fact that I'm not married.  How does not being married mean I'm any less committed to my boyfriend and vice versa?  Everyone decides what a relationship means to them and the meaning of marriage is different for everyone.  I have friends who are married and have kids, I have friends who are married but don't want kids, I have friends who aren't married and have kids, I have friends who are in a relationship but choose to never get married...why should we judge what works for other people?  We shouldn't act all high and mighty and let our opinions rule out they way others choose to live.  If they're happy that's all that matters!  For me, marriage won't really change a whole lot, but I feel it will be special when it happens.  It's the more fabulous version of receiving your diploma at graduation haha.  In all seriousness though I do look forward to that day and I hope that even though everyone has a different take on marriage that they will support me and my decision to get married...and as my alter ego would say, "If you don't like it then you can fuck off!"

As for children,  I freakin' love children!  I have a natural way with kids, in fact my friends daughter actually asked her if I could come over to play with her last weekend haha.  So I love kids and kids love me...why not have them right now?  As everyone should know having children is a great responsibility.  I want to ensure that if I am to have kids that I can provide the best life for them.  I really need to focus on what I'm doing now in order to do that.  I want to follow in my parents' footsteps.  I want to prepare for the future.  I intend to continue with every single ounce of opportunity they have provided me with and make the best of it!  To know where my parents come from and how they grew up really inspires me to not take life for granted.  So simply put...not right now because it's not the right time :).  And as my alter ego would say...hahaha

I was going to write up a new bucket list but then I had a bit of an epiphany.  I realized I don't need a bucket list.  Everything that I do want to accomplish is attainable and isn't outrageous (well except for that helicopter ride hahaha.)  Some of the goals on my last bucket list I had only accomplished in the last couple years.  Some of the amazing things I had accomplished over the past years weren't even on that original list.  Where I am now in my life I only see the many possibilities and ways I can meet new dreams/goals.  And if I don't do something in my life that at one point I felt I really wanted to do, it's not the end of the world either because I am ever evolving and so are my dreams and goals. 

For example, when I was a teenager I always dreamed of getting a belly button piercing or tattoo.  It was mostly influenced by my eldest sister and many of my friends since they're inked and pierced.  Although I appreciate tattoo art on other people, as I got older it wasn't important to me to get one anymore.  It's something I can happily live without.  And after learning more about belly button rings, it just seemed like a lot more work than what it was worth.  I knew too many people with belly button rings that got sick of them.  For me both of those things were a phase and I'm glad I didn't make it permanent haha.

There are a ton of things I'm proud of myself for accomplishing and there will be many more things to come.  So instead of a new bucket list I want to write a sort of personal mission statement instead...because as one genius said...it's not the things you do, it's how you do them! 

Where ever I am, whoever I'm with, whatever it'll be; I will always be me and live the life I was given, the life that I have earned and the life I will share with others.  I will lead a full and happy life no matter what challenges fall upon me.  I will expect tears, blood and sweat to be shed, but I will learn to be more resilient and I will be stronger. Even when I'm unsure of myself I will at least do myself a favor and try!  I hope to only continue to surprise myself like I have many times before.  I want to keep growing and I want to remain grounded.  I want to have a balanced life and live in harmony.  I want to share happiness, spread love and laugh everyday.  I will continue to believe in myself and stand up for myself and not tolerate mistreatment from others.

That's all I got so far, but I think it's pretty good.  So here I come 25!  Que Sera everyone and good night!

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An Indie Game Developers Girlfriend

A friend of mine linked me an article today which mentioned my boyfriends and friends recently released iOS game Tobor.  Meat Boy dev has mixed feelings about iOS knock-offs

As you can see from the title of the article and upon reading it, you don't get strong warm and fuzzy feelings from the writer.  There is a lot of negativity being generated from this article, some of which can be seen in the comments (although not all comments are negative and/or ignorant, which is nice to see.)  I felt I needed to share my opinion and feelings on the matter, not only discussing the other side of the argument, but basically my perspective on the bigger picture.   

Just to give a bit of background to those who do not know me.  I've been playing and loving video games since the age of 4.  I attended school for Game Art and Design and have been working as a Tech Artist for nearly 5 years. So I guess I know a bit about video games and game development.

Like many other industries, the gaming industry has suffered greatly because of the recession.  This resulted to the cancellation of many game projects, massive layoffs and game studios having to shut down.  I think we can all agree the recession sucks! 

It's a tough life to pursue the dream of being a video game developer.  Definitely not an easy road by any means.  So now with the result of the recession, there's a bunch of talented people sitting around unemployed, unable to find jobs because there's not a major demand and there's heaps of people who are all racing for the next available job posting.  

Game development isn't just for those who want to make the next major console/PC title.  There's a whole other world to explore!  The world of indie developers is large and continually growing.  It's a really cool community and everyone seems to be very supportive of each other - although this type of game development isn't for everyone. 

Making games isn't just a hobby, for most it's a true passion.  It takes a lot of hard work/effort to make an indie game or any game for that matter.  You can go to school to study how to make games, but a lot of the things you do learn, are from your peers, from personal research and experience.  You most definitely have to be passionate to pursue indie game development full-time, as you don't have the luxuries that come with working for a company or even some of the assurances you get from doing freelance work.  It's tough stuff!

Back to the article.  The writers opinion, is one of which I obviously do not share but thanks for the exposure!  Any publicity is good publicity!  As you can tell I'm an optimist haha.  The game has similarities, yes but I don't see how it's a bad thing to be inspired by and develop something that people already enjoy.  Look at Tetris, Bejeweled, Pac-man, Space Invaders...all fun games which have inspired many game developers to make similar games.  Looking back, the two first games I've made were an Asteroids and a Frogger game.  In the article they even mentioned Edmund McMillen, co-creator of Super Meat Boy felt really flattered and wasn't bothered by it.  Some comments posted on the article even point out the fact that SMB is inspired by Jumper 2.  So why should anyone sweat the fact games are similar?  This is not news...most of everything is inspired by something else.

We can also look at this as a learning experience too!  There's so much that you learn from making your own game because you're doing more than one job, and especially if you're trying to make an indie game for the first time (which was my boyfriends case.)  You should really try it out if you're interested in pursuing this as a career.  It totally helps if you're planning to attend a program in college/university related to this field. 

People need to realize, indie developers not only put in a lot of time and effort into these games, but also a lot of their own money!  0.99 cents for a game isn't asking much.  Many people who have bought and played the game have really liked it.  If the game is fun to play, the only reason you should complain is because you reached a level that seems impossible to beat, but your 7 year old niece completed it with ease.  I don't expect to change anyone's mind who thought negatively about the game - I just want to spread some positivity around!   

Also I just want to say to my boyfriend...you're truly incredible!  You never gave up on your dreams and passions and that is an amazing accomplishment on its own.  You embody so many amazing qualities and inspire me everyday.  The strength, courage and compassion you carry in all aspects of your life, helps me push past my own boundaries.  I don't say it often enough but I am so proud of you!  I'm proud to say I'm an indie game developers girlfriend! (Ya it just got mushy up in here lol.)

To everyone else, please support indie developers.  Come to appreciate all the hard work that goes into making these wonderful titles!  Thank you to those of you who already do!  And most importantly stay positive and have fun!  Thanks for reading! (That's a lot of exclamation points haha.)

Also I should mention if you're interested, Tobor can be purchased here:
Tobor App Store Page

Also here are some of my favourite comments posted on the Destructoid article.  Thanks for your support!:

"Tobor is a very fun game, sure it is similar to SMB, which I also played, but super adventure island was similar to super mario brothers. Both were sweet. Why does everyone do this bulls*** argument. If the game is good, its good. Tobor is filling a void on IOS that SMB was not. So get over it friends." - nickervision

"Tobor is a great game that emulates hardcore gaming on the IOS. Although the game has been out for three days i have been addicted to the to the challenges TOBOR brings to the table.. for a game that costs 99 cents i see it as money well spent." - MrMcpwn

"Lets leave emotions out of this. Comment about s*** game play if you have played it, otherwise your opinion is null and void. What's the same and what's different?
Similarities: jumper platform, block shaped character, avoid blades
Differences: Console, motion controls instead of arrow keys/keyboard (which demands a whole different coding element.) game play is intuitive in it's own right with the motion controls. The reward system is different and bronze through diamond according to performance.
Graphics are unique and reminiscent of 50's retro design. For 99c this game is worth it and fulfills a gap in the market. Every platformer appropriates ideas. Choice and variety is what makes life interesting." - PostPaint

Here's to everyone who has to battle evil robots!

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